Yeah so I used to be a kleptomaniac, like, a really bad one I used to steal and I wouldn’t even know why.  Sometimes I’ll steal a girl’s shirt or something and I have no idea why I did it I’ll just throw it in my dresser or give it to my sister or something.  But yeah back in high school, junior year, I was shopping in soho with two of my friends and we went into urban outfitters.  I saw this shirt I really liked but it was like $80 or something for a flimsy little short sleeve dress shirt but I saw the metal detector was loose soooo I brought it into the changing room and spent about five minutes prying it off, checking if there were employees nearby because I knew it’d make a shit ton of noise if I snapped it off right there.  Eventually I got it off, I was ready to go so I met my friends upstairs and I was feeling lucky as fuck so I just threw on a hat on my head (it had no tag either) and was walking out and the metal detector thing went off and I was having a CRAZY panic attack.  The guy checked my bag and shit (I was wearing the shirt under my jacket) and I had no idea why the thing went off when the hat or shirt didn’t even have a tag on it.  But I played it cool, I was like OH OOPS I’m so sorry I forgot to take the hat off can I just put it back?  And he called over his manager and I was giving her this innocent little Asian face smiling like a sweetheart and she was like “don’t even worry about it just take the hat off” and I was thinking to myself “good shit Eugene” and they took the hat and at this point my friends are already outside waiting for me, thinking I’m about to get in some deep shit, but I was relieved and started walking out and the shit fucking started ringing again and I was thinking omg I’ve heard about tags they hide in collars to catch shoplifters and so I unzipped my jacket and mad sheepishly in one pathetic, desperate, last attempt was like “oh yeahhh….” And the manager was like “THAT’S not okay come with me” and she and the guy brought me downstairs to some central interrogation room or something (that’s what it looked like but it was actually just the office) and some pissed off short black guy was asking me questions and filing out papers and shit and I thought I was just gonna get some court summons but like 20 minutes later two huge ass white cops come in and they’re like “is this him” and black guy’s like “ya” so they look at my school id and they’re like “oh come on, stuyvesant?  Really?  That’s a great school what happened to you?” and they cuffed me and took me outside and my friends were just standing outside the store not saying anything and looking at me mad worried and shit and I had never been more embarrassed before in my life.  The car ride was ridunk they didn’t have space for your legs so you couldn’t run away or some shit so I was cramped in there cuffed and finally like 10 mins later we got to some random precinct and they brought me into the jail cell and took all my stuff and this jacked 6’5” white guy made me take finger prints and hand prints.  And these ignorant ass dumb blonde bitches were making comments from the next cell like “ching chong” or some racist crap while I was getting my mugshot and finally they locked me up in this cage with three other guys who have clearly been arrested before and I was there for like six hours while they filed paper work and shit and the whole time I was just like fuck fuck they’re gonna call my mom and dad I’m gonna die I’M GONNA FUCKING DIE but eventually they just let me out and I called my friend who was relieved to hear I was fine and I took the train home.  And I knew I had to tell my dad (the nice parent) that night and have it blow over as soon as possible so I brought him to his room said “I have something really serious to tell you” and he thought I got a girl pregnant or some shit and he was like “it’s alright just tell me” (in Korean) and I told him I got arrested and he just fucking sighed and left the room and I was sitting there like the most worthless son in the world and I just went back to my room so my depression wouldn’t kill me before I slept.  Then I took my pants off and I felt something in the pocket and I took it out and IT WAS THE FUCKING METAL DETECTOR I TOOK OFF THE SHIRT THAT I TRIED TO STEAL.  HOW MUCH MORE FUCKING STUPID DOES A PERSON GET YOU CLEARLY LEAVE THAT SHIT ON A SHELF OR SOMEWHERE ELSE IN THE STORE YOU DON’T WALK OUT WITH IT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING and I actually cried because I realized I didn’t get caught because I was a bad shoplifter (trust me I’m good at that shit I did it for a long time) I got caught because I’M RETARDED.

And so I don’t steal anymore.